Autumn Grey, Autumn Blues

This morning, I walked the long way to work. I experienced the beauty of autumn- the many colours and hues of the leaves, the leaves falling and fallen- an image of beautiful decay.

But despite the beauty that is to be found in the season, it's a difficult time of year for me. It's a time of beauty but also of decay, of fading hopes and dreams that shone so brightly in the spring. The darkness is advancing, days getting shorter- and even much of the daylight time is actually grey.

People often complain about winter, but for me it's usually worse in anticipation. Once it's here I can deal with it, it's the sense of decline that leads to it that's hard to take.

It's always been difficult, although recently there was one year where there was a strong countervailing current of happiness streaming through me for a specific (external) reason. Once that was gone, though, there was trouble.

Which leads me to realize a frightening truth- how dependent I still am on external factors for my happiness.

In a way, it makes sense. I started out by being a rather closed-off person. My opening myself up to the world and to other people also opened me up to these external forces that can bring me joy or sorrow. That's not a bad thing, but don't I need to have a stronger ability to generate my own happiness? Well, I've been working on that too, but- still a ways to go I guess.

I keep working on it. But sometimes, when the darkness hits, the only thing I know to do "is to keep keepin' on/like a bird that flew/tangled up in blue."