Words and Things

2007-08-15T09:19:00.000-04:00

Just for Fun

Oh, to be an intellectual! I am an imaginary intellectual - I can only imagine having my ideas taken seriously by large groups of people. So I used my imagination after reading some excerpts from and comments about Micheal Ignatieff's essay "I Got it Wrong on Iraq, But Not As Wrong as People Say", took some of the exerpts and followed the ideas therein wherever they might lead me.

Yes, Mistakes Were Made

An intellectual is in the ideas business. Without ideas, he may as well be a bus driver. Now, as a former denizen of the realms of higher academia who has sometimes used public transport out of a sense of morbid curiosity, I’ve learned that bus drivers can display a shrewder grasp of what's what than Nobel Prize winners. Nevetheless, an intellectual’s responsibility is to follow his ideas wherever they may lead. In the case of one of my late colleagues , this responsibility took him over the edge of a cliff. His idea was that he could drive a stolen bus over dangerous terrain at night with no headlights. A true bus driver would never make such a mistake. However, my point here is that in life, as in other things, sometimes even the most sensitive and intelligent among us make mistakes. And so it is that I now find myself having to explain my support for an unpopular war, while denying responsibility for its consequences.

Since ideas are his bread and butter, the intellectual is bound to put ideas out there, and to support ideas that politicians may or may not wish to act upon. Translating ideas into reality is the job of politicians. To properly translate the intellectual’s ideas into reality, the politician needs a strong sense of reality. A sense of reality is not just a sense of the world as it is, but as it might be. Like great artists, great politicians see possibilities others cannot and then seek to turn them into realities. They do this using the noblest ideas of the best and brightest intellectuals.

In the case of this war, the noble idea was that we should remove all tyrants and other oppressors of the world’s peoples by force, and impose liberal democratic values on those peoples, thus ensuring that all people would be liberal democrats and therefore not a threat to anyone’s security.

Sometimes, however, things go wrong. Reality turns out to be not quite as we imagined it. The weapons of mass destruction that justified the invasion turn out to be non-existent. The grateful natives turn ungrateful on their liberators. However, the important thing in assigning responsibility for consequences is this: if the idea behind the action is good and noble, but the action has gone horribly wrong, it follows that the politicians must have screwed up somewhere. It turns out, in other words, that they didn’t have such a strong sense of reality after all. And the intellectual is guilty only of inspiring and supporting the wrong politicians.

In this case, the application of the idea was in fact a partial success. We overthrew the tyrant. Where things went wrong was in the imposition of liberal democratic values on the natives. The question of how to impose freedom on people has always been a tricky one, due to its somewhat paradoxical nature. It is a question that intellectuals and politicians alike will need to carefully consider in the light of what has transpired in Iraq.

Let those who opposed the war resist the temptation to gloat, however. They should first ask themselves whether their opposition to the war was based on ideas as noble as the ones supporting it. Sadly, the answer is almost always no. They were generally motivated by the belief that everything the Americans ever do in the world is always wrong. Obviously this is a ridiculous idea, as was therefore their opposition to the war. The fact that the war turned out to be a mistake is neither here nor there. Well, in a sense it is there on the ground (and six feet under it, it must be admitted). And the fact that the war’s opponents use the suffering caused by the war to score political advantage over those who supported it is a disgrace. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.

It is often said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but the war critics have denied the U.S. government even its good intentions, assuming that its motives must be pernicious and that it must have intentionally lied to the world. I mean, really. Why all this cynicism? Just because a country routinely attacks other countries all over the world to protect its interests (such as liberal democracy, in which it has a 51% controlling interest) is no reason to routinely ascribe ulterior motives to its actions.

In any case, what are lies in the political arena, and what is truth? Politics is theater. It is part of the job to pretend to have emotions that you do not actually feel. People want leadership, and even when a leader is nonplussed by events, he must still remember to give the people the reassurance they deserve. Part of good judgment consists of knowing when to keep up appearances. In other words, a leader must give the appearance of knowing what he is doing even when he doesn’t. And people need to believe that he knows what he is doing until it is proved otherwise. Otherwise, people might come to lose faith in their ability of their leaders to save them from danger, and then we would have chaos, or anarchy.

President Bush was good at appearing to know what he was doing, and his administration was good at making it appear that it had an airtight case establishing the presence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. I was convinced, and if a discerning intellectual such as myself could be convinced, the act was convincing. Yes, there were naysayers, but as I mentioned before, they were inspired by knee-jerk anti-Americanism. And so it was that many thoughtful people like myself supported this war, which turned out to be run by leaders who didn’t know what they were doing, acting on intelligence that proved to be faulty. An unfortunate turn of events of course, but as Tony Blair said, “I really did mean well.”

And so we are left with a series of “what if’s”. What if the invasion had been carried out by competent people? What if Saddam Hussein had really had weapons of mass destruction? Or what if he could have proved their non-existance beyond a shadow of a doubt? What if people were more malleable and less stubborn, and thus more prepared to accept the gifts that we give them? Then, I suppose, I wouldn’t be writing this.

2007-05-25T14:49:00.000-04:00

The Quebec government has just announced that they want Claude Castonguay to look into how best to privatize the health care system. Wonderful! I do hope that Mr. Castonguay will take the opportunity to explain how getting the private sector involved will create new doctors and nurses out of thin air, or how it will minimize health care costs while maximizing the quality of service. Unless privatization can demonstrably do one of those things, it will simply be a matter of shifting the costs of health care to patients and the poor, and/or shifting the benefits to those who can afford to pay privately for better service, while entrenching companies seeking to profit from the health care system as a powerful interest group.

And when I say 'explain', I don't mean theoretical talk about the 'need to innovate', or about how competition is inherently better than having a monopoly, or the suggestion that the private sector is a magical source of revenue that does not reach into the pockets of citizens. I mean concrete explanations of how it would actually work better than what we have now.

2007-05-11T12:01:00.000-04:00

Can I get lost in this moment?

No, it slipped by while I was thinking about it...

What about this one?

Too late - it slipped away too.

But that one! I remember it well. I did get lost in that one. I thought I'd never escape it. I did eventually break free of it, just free enough to miss it in time

2007-05-05T21:27:00.000-04:00

Have you ever gone to talk with someone, having really looked forward to it, only to find that you don't actually have much to say?

No?

Really?

Well, who are you anyway?

Oh well...

2007-05-02T15:01:00.000-04:00

Canadian Military Missionaries Get Mad

Cdn troops irate over abuse allegations, Hillier says

Yes, you see, it seems that some of the soldiers Gen. Hillier talked to are "pissed off" at the thought that concerns about the human rights of detainees are distracting us from their greater mission of...um...bringing human rights and civilization to Afghanistan. Right...

2007-04-26T09:23:00.000-04:00

Whispering Pines

Sometimes I lose CD's - I put them in the wrong cases, and then it takes months to find them again. Just a few days ago I located The Band's self-titled album which I'd only listened to a couple of times around Christmastime.

It's a great album, with roots in Americana but still influenced by what was going on musically in the late '60s, and with some slightly odd arrangements. The best known tracks are "Up On Cripple Creek" and "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down", both by guitarist Robbie Robertson, who was becoming The Band's dominant songwriter. But my favourite is lesser known, and its music was composed (mostly) by the group's pianist, Richard Manuel, with words by Robertson. It's called "Whispering Pines":

If you find me in a gloom, or catch me in a dream

Inside my lonely room, there is no in between

Whispering pines, rising of the tide

If only one star shines

That's just enough to get inside

The lyrics are a perfect match for the haunting music, conveying melancholy, beauty and hope. A key change leads to these lines:

I will wait until it all goes 'round

With you in sight, the lost are found

Further lines such as "Let the waves rush in, let the seagulls cry/For if I live again, these hopes will never die" weave together images of natural beauty with both the melancholy of loneliness and hope for love as spiritual redemption.

Manuel had a distinctive musical voice within The Band. For one thing, he was a pianist. The haunting chord progression in this song would not come naturally to a guitarist. His singing could also be heartrendingly emotional, and it definately is in this song. Unfortunately, his demons would soon neutralize him as a creative force and eventually destroy him (he committed suicide in 1986). Some would say that knowing this adds poignancy to a song like this but all I can say is that the shivers that went down my spine on my first hearing of this song had nothing to do with Manuel's biography - well, except that his inner emotional landcape no doubt spilled out into compositions such as this.

Lyrics quoted from "Whispering Pines", by Richard Manuel and Robbie Robertson

2007-04-23T15:43:00.000-04:00

Happy Earth Day To You

What a wonderful weekend, the first weekend of summer. I got out my bicycle and went around the neighbourhood, and very much enjoyed walking too. On Saturday in particular I experienced something rather strange and wonderful which is called happiness. Joy in such quantity must be enjoyed while it is at hand.

Yesterday was Earth Day. The Earth can sometimes be difficult to love, such as when it comes at us with tsunamis and volcanoes and the like, but then, anything and anyone can be difficult to love, really. And compared to the other planets we know of (such as hellish Venus and frigid Mars) it offers a high quality of life. It is the quality of life the Earth offers us, rather than the Earth itself, that is now in play. What sort of Earth will this be a generation from now?

The Earth is an interlocking system of systems of which we are a part - a drama in which we are playing an expanding role. A bigger role is not always a better one. I remember English classes in which the teacher would teach Shakespeare plays, discussing the "tragic hero" whose hubris was the tragic flaw that would prove to be his undoing ("Hubris" is a sort of arrogent disdain for the limitations of existence).

But setting aside such foreboding for now, the Earth Day festivitities went to yesterday were realy quite festive. In fact, the party I went to at the co-op La Maison Verte in N.D.G. featured a rather rich and delicious chocolate cake.

2007-04-09T17:12:00.000-04:00

Sigh...

So much for satire - the University of Western Ontario's student newspaper, The Gazette, bravely satirizes women who speak out against the fear of being sexually assaulted, specifically targeting women who have presumed to criticize the Gazette for earlier likeminded "satires" against women, gays and others who don't fit the white straight male "standard" of dominant humanity:

http://joshmanicus.blogspot.com/2007/04/culture-of-rape-and-how-uwo-gazette.html

Behold the courage of people who claim to engage in satire and then claim that are "just joking". What does it even mean to say that you are "just joking", especially when you are clearly targeting people? You may think you are joking, but you are not "just" joking. If putting together a bunch of worn out stereotypes about feminists and then adding a "joke" about teaching a woman's vagina "a lesson in a dark alley" is really the best "satirical" response these people can manage to feminist critiques of their paper, then feminists have nothing to fear from them on an intellectual or humourous level. Unfortunately, as the remark about the "lesson" in the dark alley reminds us, women sometimes have reason to fear other kinds of attacks simply because they are women.

2007-04-08T13:29:00.000-04:00

I suffered for my art. Now it's your turn.

A friend of mine has said that she thinks she used to write better songs than she does now. The problem, she explained, is that she is now content. In the old days, it seems, her discontent made it easier to write good songs.

I haven't heard enough of her songs to judge - though the small sample I have heard seem really good to me, even if they don't have an obvious "edge" of turbulent intensity (though beneath the surface of some I feel some definate undercurrents...). I think sometimes such "edge" is overrated. It's great to have art with it, but just imagine for a moment if all songs and all other creative works had it. It would be too much to bear, really. Still, I understand where she's coming from. Creativity loves misery for company, or so it often seems. Certainly the works that come out of a context of emotional turbulence often seem more striking and resonant, packed with intensity. Consider Bob Dylan for a moment. In the mid-'60s, when he was doing a lot of drugs and otherwise seemingly on a course toward self-destruction, he wrote and recorded his most acclaimed and famed works at a prolific pace. By the end of the 1960's, he was apparently a contented family man, keeping well away from the intensity that had once threatened to completely engulf him, producing works that seemed forgettable compared to the stuff he'd done at his peak. But then around 1974, with his marriage seemingly in tatters, he came out with possibly his best album ever, Blood on the Tracks - featuring many a searing song about the pain of lives destined to come together and then come apart again. And many other artists too have created their best works in reaction to personal turbulence.

It's not just a one-way steet though, for the demands of an art can contribute to such turbulence. I'm not a professional performer, but even the limited amount of performances I do can provoke sharp mood swings in me - the lines between terror, elation and despair are easily crossed in almost no time at all. Too easily the life of the performer is about getting certain fixes - of adulation, of drugs - as a substitute for the emotional intimacy (families, relationships) that must often be left behind for months on end by those performers who manage to really make a go of it.

In any case, the contribution of emotional havoc to creativity works only up to a point. The problem with heading down the road to self-destruction is that before too long you reach the destination - either you die or you are burned out, finished as a creative force. As for divorces, breakups and other personal disasters, you've got to get over them sometime, or you just end up wallowing in self-pity, which tends not to be a good place to be creatively (or in any other aspect of life for that matter). Believe me, I've been there. I remember at one point, having written a seemingly endless series of songs and other writings about the awful predicament I was in at that time, feeling utterly sick of writing because I was so sick of even thinking about the situation I was in and yet I seemed unable to write about anything else. It was awful - the worst kind of creative rut to be in.

Anyway, emotional intensity is only part of the equation. There's the craft too. And besides, there's plenty of room for strong feelings to be expressed that don't necessarily concern one's personal life. In his liner-notes to Blood and Chocolate (another great "breakup album"), Elvis Costello writes of a time when he attained a level of stability in his own life: "There were many things I wouldn't have to do again. Like messing up my life just so I could write stupid little songs about it."

2007-04-07T17:19:00.000-04:00

Our Nationhood, Forged On the Anvil of Battle...

...or so many in the media would have us believe. For you see, we won the Battle of Vimy Ridge 70 years ago! Isn't that wonderful? Canada won a battle in a real war! Ah, those were the days when Canada could aspire to be a true warrior nation - a time when men were men, blowing each other to bits and pieces - before all this "peacekeeping" nonsense became ingrained in the Canadian psyche. And now in Afghanistan we have the chance to be a warrior nation once more, provided that those socialist sissies don't ruin everything by saying that we aren't just killing evildoers. Sssshh! O Canada! The True North Strong and Free! God bless Canada. God damn the enemy. Pass the ammunition.

"If you can't stand in front of our soldiers, at least get behind them", says Stephen Harper. Thousands of miles behind at last count, but as we all know, Stephen Harper is looking forward to leading his troops into an election campaign, not a military campaign against the Taliban. Yet in his own way, Harper is fighting his own war against capital E Evil, isn't he? I mean, of course, the Evils of the corrupt Liberals who play politics while he governs. Mind you, being in opposition, the Liberals are in no position to govern, but anyway, Harper proclaims that he is governing and is way above crassly Machievellian political machinations such as giving a "gift" budget to Quebecers in the middle of our election campaign and saying that more will come if we vote the right way. It must have been our imaginations.

2007-04-06T17:13:00.000-04:00

This is a strange time... now that we're in the runup to Easter, I've been sort of exploring the religious side of things again - I've undergone a sort of immersion at St. John the Evangelist yesterday and today. They're on ceremony all the time, the people there. Evey word, every detail, every tone in the mass is scripted, although the meanings of all the little details are very often lost in the mists of time, and we can only speculate about them - and either hang on to them or let them slide. At St. John the Evangelist they gladly hold on to what most other people would gladly let slide. Some details almost seem to be perversely designed to elude meaning and to communicate nothing but the form of ceremony and decorum. The priests often have their backs to the congregation, and very often you can't make out what they're saying - they rattle on, declaiming at a high speed. There is still a lot of beauty in the whole thing, though there's an element of absurdity too - a weaving together of the sublime and the ridiculous. It's fascinating, really - if you're in the mood for this sort of thing, which I suspect a lot of people who may read this will never be. Oh well.

2007-04-04T14:04:00.000-04:00

Munching on matzos – if you are what you eat, would eating Jewish food make me Jewish? Not quite…I imagine people eating curry do not become Indian, although they may come to appreciate the culinary genius of India.

2007-04-04T10:45:00.000-04:00

'Greetings from the grey', I mutter in dismay - driving rain driving me around the bend with no end in sight today

There’s a certain uncertainty
Lurking inside of me,
An indeterminate number
of things up in the air,
of which I’m peripherally aware

They’re not so well defined
best not to pay them any mind
until they manifest more clearly,
who says this attitude’s foolhardy?

Though truly
You can feel quite free
Skating on uncertainty
But then what do you do
When the breakthrough joke’s on you?

2007-04-03T15:30:00.000-04:00

The Best Anti War Sign

From One Female Canuck's blog - and I agree wholeheartedly.

2007-03-30T19:44:00.000-04:00

Chocolate Jesus display shut down in NY over complaints

So there. The mob has spoken. No doubt Jesus is awfully relieved.

You know, I hate to break it to people, but Jesus was a man - a man who was tortured and brutally executed. When he was up on the cross, he likely had nothing on at all - after all, didn't the soldiers divide up his clothes? Believe me, the Romans had no concern for the dignity or "modesty" of those they were crucifying, and although Jesus might ideally have preferred to cover his privates, I imagine that that was actually the least of his concerns at the time. The point is that he was being mocked, spat on, tortured - treated with absolutely no dignity at all, and yet somehow in the story he manages to retain his dignity through it all.

And although the crucifixion is considered to be a unique event, it is not - which is actually the point. Many people have been treated this way throughout history - many are now. Yet in this story, which ends in the Resurrection, there is the promise that this is not the end of the story for any of these people. Whether or not you believe in the Resurrection, that is the liberating promise at the core of this story - even if they try to degrade us, and they destroy us, that will not be the end. The authorities on Earth do not have the last word.

You know, I think I could actually believe this...I sure would like to!

2007-03-30T14:06:00.000-04:00

News item: Catholics angry over naked chocolate Jesus at NY gallery

Roman Catholics witness the Roman handiwork upon the body of the one they call their Lord,
rendered in chocolate, hanging from a cross, and protest the ultimate indignity –
his genitals shown for all to see, a dangling obscenity –

A scandal! For shame!
Shield the children! Hide their eyes!
It’s all lies –

for this was the Son of God, never the Son of Man!

Denounce now this insult to the Catholic flock -
the chocolate cock of the crucified Christ – a ludicrous fiction,
a pornographic blasphemy!
The ultimate indignity –
a blow to our beliefs, a blow to our faith,
a chocolate cock!
Don't we have the right to never be mocked?

And while we’re at it, the edible Christ
is bread and wine,
never chocolate!

2007-03-30T09:24:00.000-04:00

IMPRESSION OF A CONVERSATION

“I think perhaps that I have given you the wrong impression”

“My impression is that you’re right
a false impression can delight
or dismay
or disgust
but I trust
you’ll set me straight today.”

"Not too straight I hope - you have a twisted bent that I rather like."

2007-03-28T15:42:00.000-04:00

A response to the blog posting Mario et «nous», Montréalais :

Philippe
Les adéquistes sont partout. Du Nord au Sud, de l'Est à L'ouest. Toute la province est maintenant sous le pouvoir de l'empire de l'ADQ. Toute ? Non ! Car une grande ville socialiste résiste à l'envahisseur, encore et toujours. MONTRÉAL ! Mais pour combien de temps ? Astérix, Obélix, Panoramix ??? Où êtes-vous ? On va avoir besoin de la potion magique socialiste ! Sinon, nous devrons nous séparer du Québec, qui ne nous aime plus. Snif, snif

Montreal, a socialist city? In my dreams, perhaps. Stilll, it made me laugh.

The ADQ won 41 seats, but none in Montreal. Can’t we get with the program? Mario is the bright new star in Quebec's political firmament – everyone knows that. And everyone knows that people in the regions are sick and tired (tanné) with superior Montrealers; so tired of a city where whole neighbourhoods (like the Plateau) are well-known to be nests of socialist vipers seeking to impose their values on everyone else.

I understand that people are complaining about being disrespected by Montrealers, but “ce petit jeu joue à deux”. I believe in respecting people, but I have little sympathy for people who complain about being disrespected when they are being called on their disrespect of other people. The wounded pride of the Herouxvillois who stood up for that fundamental Quebec value of people never wearing exotic garb such as hijabs except on Halloween (Woooo! Scary Muslims!) impresses me not at all. The radio talk show host who wrote of his right to think differently from people in the Plateau after he likened the Parti Quebecois to ‘a club of fags' likewise does not have my sympathy. Rule number one: If you want to be respected by people who are different from you, start by respecting people who are different from you.

Mind you, I must make a confession: I live in the Plateau. Although come to think of it, that in itself does nothing to rank me above or below anyone.

I also think that we Quebecers must not be afraid to name the racism, homophobia, and other forms of discriminatory oppression in our society (including in Montreal, even in the Plateau!). People are often motivated by xenophobia rather than racism, but their xenophobia makes racist discrimination acceptable. And racism is definately a problem in Montreal, where there is, for example, a pattern of police shootings of so-called "visible minorities" (an interesting euphemism)- a pattern which includes complete inpunity for police officers. And that's just one of the more blatant patterns of racism that never quite seems to get on the radar screen for white Montrealers here in this oh-so tolerant, open, and diverse metropolis.

2007-03-27T13:21:00.000-04:00

Alright, I admit it: having elections is better than not having them. Yet they almost invariably leave me feeling frustrated and depressed – and this latest election in Quebec is no exception. People obviously aren’t satisfied with the way things are going, yet they turn to someone like Mario Dumont, who really has nothing different to offer apart from a charming folksy style – and a not-so-charming approach to cultural diversity.

According to surveys, most of the people who voted ADQ didn’t actually want it to win the election – although they almost pushed the ADQ over the top by accident. Very often people get fed up with “politics as usual”, but creating a genuinely new politics will require than a protest vote.

The one good thing about the ADQ’s rise is that it may finally take Quebec politics off the track of federalist vs. separatist polarization. But once again, the political discourse we heard during the election barely touched on how the way we are living as a society is unbalanced, unsustainable and unjust. We as a people are not speaking up against the idea that it’s perfectly appropriate to treat other people and nature as mere “resources” to be exploited for profit or as garbage cans to be poisoned for profit, or as mere obstacles to profit-led development.

It’s better to have elections than not have them, but there’s got to be more to democracy than the machinery of elections in motion. More than the discourse of the leaders; more than their squabbles. Any positive change is going to have to come from us, not from the leaders. Democracy means it's up to us.

2007-03-22T11:28:00.000-04:00

I’m not a religious person. Or I am, depending on how you look at it. Actually, morality is important to me, but I don’t feel very much patience for most religious institutions anymore. They don’t seem to concern themselves very much with things that matter. When people look back on this time, what will they think were the great moral questions of the age? I suspect that it won’t be the ones that religious authorities tend to focus on – you know, the ones having to do with sex. Of course people are fascinated by sex, which is understandable, and the focus on “sexual morality” that preoccupies the Roman Catholic authorities as well as the “religious right” likely reflects a certain prurient interest. But sexuality is just one element of human existence in which people choose to (or not to) treat themselves, other people, and creation as more than mere things to be exploited. There are so many ways in which people can be degraded and oppressed that don’t have to do with sex, but opposing them too forcefully can offend powerful interests. For instance, I heard yesterday of a mining project in Alberta that so contaminates the water table that one can set the water on fire for 30 seconds at a time. Consider the implications of this, if this is true. People are being poisoned so that companies can profit. Isn’t that highly immoral when you think about it? Yet this would just be an extreme example of what happens all the time.

Many churches say the right things about peace, social justice and the environment, but at the level of a murmur. Not for them the rantings of the Hebrew prophets who decried the injustices of their times. But piously wishing for peace and justice doesn’t accomplish much.

2007-03-21T21:50:00.000-04:00

Democracy: Is that all there is?

I live in Quebec, where we are in the middle of an election campaign. It's a tight three way race, they say. Isn't that exiting? Anything could happen...but nothing interesting does. I'm bored. It's like watching a movie where I can't sympathize with any of the major characters - in that it's tiring to watch. I'm tempted to say "wake me 'til it's over", but I suppose I ought to vote at least. My vote's going to Amir Khadir of Quebec Solidaire.

2007-03-21T09:49:00.000-04:00

People and Other Commodities - Beware of the Economic Treadmill!

It seems that MacLean’s magazine recently ran an article saying that we Quebecers don’t work hard enough, and are mooching off of more industrious Canadian provinces. For instance, in Alberta they are hard at work wrecking the tar sands to get at the oil in it, thus ensuring that we as a country will continue to do our bit when it comes to adding a bit of warmth to this cold, cold world in which we live. Even Lucien Bouchard, who once epitomized the wounded pride of Quebecers, now thinks we’re not giving enough of ourselves to the economy.

But the funny thing is that the Canadian Center for Policy Alternatives recently ran a study analysing Statistics Canada data which showed that over the last thirty years every class of Canadians except for the rich have been working longer and harder, yet only the rich have been making more money. So basically, the deal we’re being offered is to work harder so that other people can make more money. Well, thanks – but no thanks. I’ll stick to my 35 hours a week – in fact I would work a bit less if I could, but my job is full-time and it’s quite good as jobs go.

2007-03-20T16:39:00.000-04:00

But really, aren't all large companies tools of Satan?

Proctor & Gamble not in league with Satan, US court rules

It sounds like this would have been an interesting trial to follow. Did they attempt to subpeona the Devil? They should have, but you know how it is - people in positions of great power are generally spared such indignities at the hands of the law. How else can one explain the fact that Dick Cheney is still at large?

2007-03-20T08:15:00.000-04:00

The Performing Life - Manic Depression as a Vocation

Well, we did it - we performed our dinner theatre cabaret, The Dictatorship of Debt, on Sunday night. As many lamps from peoples' homes, candles, and strategically placed stage lights provided a wonderful atmosphere along with the live music that was played by a small band of musicians, we re-created a sort of cartoon cabaret version of the world in which we re-enacted how the world economy works against the world's poor, using the dinner as an example of the world's wealth is mis-distributed. There was a very good energy in the room that supported us even though we could have been better prepared performance-wise. Ah, but all the elements were there for a truly great show - and I think the shows we'll do in April will truly be great.

2007-03-15T14:45:00.000-04:00

Sun sun sun

The sun is out - hooray!

Wow, how my mood changes with the weather... I hear it's getting colder, but never mind - spring is still on the way.

2007-03-15T14:35:00.000-04:00

Having Fun Arguing

I read something in The Gazette saying that recycling is pointless.

http://www.canada.com/montrealgazette/news/editorial/story.html?id=de1a1f1d-4533-49fe-9079-ec9d87a8ef3e

I was so amused by some of the claims in it that I had to respond:

In “Is Recycling Really Worth It?”, Barry Cooper claims that all economists agree that “markets, price adjustments and product substitution mean that physical limits to all substances on Earth are economically irrelevant…future generations can never exhaust natural resources.” We are supposed to believe, then, that the collapse in fish stocks in the north Atlantic was “economically irrelevant” or just plain impossible.

Mr. Cooper does not appear to recognize that there are limits to the occult powers of “market forces”. They cannot turn water into wine, nor can they reproduce the miracle of the loaves and fishes. If bio-fuels do turn out to be a viable replacement for gasoline, for example, it will be because of government policies, not market forces.

Mr. Cooper also claims that there are “more trees in North America today then there have been in a century and a half”. All fine and good, but where do these trees live? A tree is a tree is a tree, but a suburb or city park is not a forest.

I will also make note never to entrust Mr. Cooper with the care of my goldfish or of the Earth.

2007-03-15T09:33:00.000-04:00

Greetings From Amidst the Grey

I admit it - persistent grey weather dampens my spirit. On Monday I rejoiced at heading home from work in broad daylight, but since then, hello zombiedom.

Tuesday night I resisted the grey ennuie by going to a festival of shorts (as in movies, of course- it's still only March) that a friend had told me about at the last minute. Called "Reel Dames", it feaured short films by women composed for or with musical soundtracks. I found some a bit too self-consciously strange. I find that this is a reflex in a lot of artistic stuff - when in doubt, make something really strange and dare people to make any sense out of it. Of course, art doesn't need to make literal sense, and actually shouldn't try too hard to do so, but it ought to make sense on some emotional or sub-conscious level. Saturating a work with incoherent arty cleverness tends to smother any impact it could have. I've made that mistake myself. But then, maybe others felt engaged on some level by things that seemed a bit pointless to me.

That said, there tended to be interesting stuff in all of the pieces, and some were very good. I liked a couple of the animated pieces best- there was a video for a song called "Black Cab" that traced the journey of a white snowball, burying everything in its path. "Listen Kid" was also a very nice animation. "Drifters" was a nice video, but what I liked best about it was the song by Patrick Watson (is the song called "Drifters" too?) I liked "The Walk" mainly because it reminded me of walks I've had through Montreal.

It was also an occasion to see a friend I hadn't seen in a while, although it was almost like it had been no time at all. Her mind can move very quickly though - I was struggling to keep up at first. My mind can move pretty fast too, but not on days like Tuesday...or yesterday...or today. Grey days...sigh.

2007-03-12T16:31:00.000-04:00

How Is This Measured?

Headline in today's Gazette (as part of its Quebec election coverage): "Average Candidate is 44 - and 31% Female"

2007-03-08T13:05:00.000-05:00

Who Reads The National Post?

Part of a feature headline in today’s issue: “How Hiring a Maid Could Help Solve Problems in Your Relationship”

…as long as you don’t end up sleeping with the maid – a definate relationship no-no, as far as I can tell

You know, it would have been good if somebody had given me this piece of advice before...before…sniff!...well, it’s no use crying over the spilt milk that the maid could have cleaned up. I must look to the future. Now let’s see…money…I’ll need to get some more of that. Hopefully my cabaret theatre project will end up on Broadway and make me a millionaire before yet another relationship hits stormy weather. Unfortunately, this could prove to be a race against time – a race that, in the long run, we all must lose. Oh well.

2007-03-01T10:05:00.000-05:00

The other day I got an email, and the subject of it read: “Penetrate your partner for hours on end.” I didn’t read it, because I don’t think my partner, whoever he or she would be, would wish to be penetrated for hours on end. Sounds rather unpleasant if you ask me. I don’t think people go into a creative partnership or business venture with someone in order to be penetrated by anything. In fact, many such partnerships go wrong when one partner penetrates the other. Take it from me, being stabbed in the back by your partner is definitely not a good sign for the future of your partnership. I don't know of anyone who would welcome that sort of penetration at all.

But I suppose that if one partner wanted to stab the other in the back, it could be useful to have a sharp object that could keep penetrating the other’s back for hours on end. I guess that must be who the message is aimed at- someone wanting to stab his partner in the back for hours on end. The only problem with this theory is that I really don’t know where anyone could have got the idea that I am one of those people. I thought of asking the person who sent it to me where he or she would have got this idea, but I never got around to it, just like I didn’t get around to reading the message. I mean after all, there’s only so many hours in a day- 24 I think it was at last count.

2007-02-23T11:27:00.000-05:00

A Lucky Escape

From May to December (isn't that a song?) I lived in an apartment on the corner of St. Mathieu and Ste. Catherine, in the heart of downtown Montreal.

The other day, I ran into my brother on the steet:

"Good thing you moved", he said to me.

"Tell me something I don't know", I thought (it's a long story). "What do you mean?", I said.

"There was a fire there. I saw the outside windows of your apartment boarded up."

I went to investigate, and sure enough, what he said was true. My apartment was right next to the next door building, which had been gutted. What damage had been done to the apartment itself wasn't clear from the outside, but the windows being boarded up boded ill.

Turns out it was even in the news, and I didn't know:

http://www.montrealmirror.com/2007/022207/news2.html

http://www.canada.com/montrealgazette/news/story.html?id=3bbd8333-4607-47af-9370-c6c35edc0706

2007-02-16T15:12:00.000-05:00

Safety Through Joylessness

In the college where I work there are these public service announcement posters promoting safer sex through condom use. This is all fine and good, but there are two problems: One, what the girl appears to be about to unwrap looks suspiciously like a lollipop - get your minds out of the gutter, I would be alone - and Two, the rather blasé demeanour of the young couple featured makes me think that there ought to be an accompanying speech bubble that reads “Right, let’s get this thing over with.” And today, for some reason, this image seemed to me to be a premonition of a dystopian future in which a rather canny set of killjoys manage to take the fun out of sex by making it mandatory. This would possibly even be a logical extension of our current societal attitudes towards sexuality, come to think of it.

2007-02-14T16:26:00.000-05:00

I read in the news that anti-Valentine's Day sentiment is becoming mainstream: once a possibly edgy response to an overly Hallmark'ed holiday, it is now being successfully exploited by cardmakers sensing yet another marketing opportunity (see
“Card makers capitalize on 'anti-V Day' with loveless Valentine greetings’
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/070212/koddities/anti_valentine_s_day_1)

This is what people forget- cynicism is as easy to manipulate as sentimentality. The feeling of resisting the marketers can itself be marketed!

So perhaps it would be good to get beyond the dichotomy of cynicism vs. sentimentality and embrace something harder but likely more rewarding: courage. It takes courage to love (and I don’t specifically mean romantic love). For to love is to care, but to care is often painful. For instance, how can one love human beings without being pained at what they (we) do to each other? Yet to retreat into cynicism about human beings is self-defeating, for if it is based on anger that was based in love- once you lose sight of the love, what are you left with? Only negativity remains.

2007-02-09T13:51:00.000-05:00

You know, I'm starting to get a bit tired of this weather. Freezing cold, biting winds...OK in moderation, perhaps, but...well, I'm in the last of my three stages of dealing with weather: 1) the initial shock; 2) finding the fun and the adventure in it; 3) getting tired of it.

Could be worse though. We could have a mild but continuously grey and rainy winter. I used to envy the people in Vancouver, but not any more.

The very mild December and early January period was deceptive, but at least it helped put climate change at the top of the national agenda. Not that warmer weather is bad in itself, you understand. In fact, I remember when we had our first major snowstorm last month- and this following weeks of "where did our winter go?" angst in the media- the Montreal French-language daily La Presse ran a cartoon showing two people digging their cars out of a snowbank, and one turns to the other and says "Remind me why we were missing this?". But of course, we Canadians love to complain about the weather- it doesn't even really matter what it is. Even those Quebecois who don't regard themselves as being Canadian share in this.

No, but seriously, I like springtime in December as much as anyone- it's just that when you start screwing around with a complicated tangle of interlocking systems like climate, which is itself interlocked with complex natural systems such as ecosystems, you stand a good chance of reaping the whirlwind. After all, we humans also depend on ecosystems for survival. If this planet were just a bit differant in some ways, we wouldn't even be here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For me, there's no more complete feeling of energy and power than that of artistic creation at its peak. I've been working on a play- reworking the script, working in new songs, adapting it to a new vision- and this feeling of creating something in this way is so exiting and engrossing. The only problem is that because of this I can become obsessed with it and so caught up in it that it becomes stressful- it gets hard to sleep or do other things I need to do, because my mind is always darting back to resolving problems relating to the script or the songs and different possibilities for resolving them.

2007-01-26T16:15:00.000-05:00

A question- maybe somebody out there could help me with this one:

What sort of music does one compose for a song designed to sung by a drag queen who regularly spouts fire and brimstone sermons about keeping one's financial house in order? Oh, and the song lyrics feature several references to an "invisible hand"- just use your imagination on how that image could be used...

2007-01-25T21:25:00.000-05:00

One thing I’m realizing yet again is that I can be greatly affected by watching movies or even television- getting a barrage of sound and visual impressions.

Last night, I went to a film series where I saw a movie about Archbishop Romero, which confronted my senses with the vivid impressions of a country in a state of tension escalating into terror. A situation where psychotic cruelty was pressed into the service of preserving wealth and power. An impression of life lived knowing that at any time you could be gunned down, or worse yet, be dragged off, tortured and gruesomely killed.

Having recently been on the margins of an event of psychotic cruelty bursting in to hurt and destroy, I felt those old feelings of high tension come flooding back from last September 13. But there were also feelings of rage at those responsible for such atrocities. If at that moment I could have had revenge on them all somehow, I believe I would have.

There’s inspiration to be gained in looking at a life- and death- like Romero’s, but that also confronts me with unanswerable questions, like what I would do in that situation.

I still feel very tense and highly scattered. I think "haunted" is the word, actually.

2007-01-11T14:57:00.000-05:00

Under the weather/More of the same

I'm fighting a cold now. I was in rather high spirits last week, so I didn't sleep so much, so I got tired just as I was going back to work.

I didn't see President Bush's televised address last night
(text at http://www.independent.co.uk/incoming/article2144495.ece) but as expected, his new course for the Iraq war is more of the same. In fact, it's telling that the image most often used to describe Bush now is that of the compulsive gambler, betting that this time his luck will change.

What's less noted is that while Bush paints a dire picture of what would happen if American troops left Iraq, all the things he describes are things that are already happening. All he can really say is that they would happen even more if American troops left. Those things will also happen even more if American troops stay (unless a "temporary" 15% increase in troop levels somehow proves decisive). And those fearing a regional conflict should American troops leave should take note of Bush's not-so-subtle threats against Iran and Syria, and remember how the Vietnam War was spread to neighbouring countries in the name of cutting off supplies to the enemy.

As for Bush's threats against the U.S. client regime in Iraq, the trouble is that if the consequences of not supporting them are as dire as he says, his threat to stop supporting them if they don't shape up rings kinda hollow, doesn't it?

2007-01-04T16:54:00.000-05:00

My New Year's Resolution is very simple and very complicated at once. It is to be easier on myself.

Looking back over the past year- and years- I see that I often think and feel in certain ways and think and but simultaneously feel that the way I'm thinking and feeling is all wrong, and how can I be so stupid (my nagging inner voice). Needless to say, this generates considerable confusion and things invariably go wrong- and then my nagging inner voice gets to sit back and say "See? I told you so."

Also, I'll try to take on fewer obligations and work on my own creativity.

I actually made quite a lot of progress on being gentler to myself in 2006, so I'll building on that in 2007.

2007-01-04T14:06:00.000-05:00

Hey, when I get it right, will you tell me please? (Joan Armatrading- a great song from her album "Walk Under Ladders")

I am rather enjoying dealing with people with whom the above is not a question rattling around persistantly in my mind.

A rather beautiful day today, warm and sunny- in January? Hmmm....

Think I'll go for another walk....

See ya

2006-12-31T16:58:00.000-05:00

2007? But I was just getting used to 2006...

A strange year,
A year
of considerable promise,
as yet unfulfilled

Mind you,
it's true,
having a steady full-time job
has been a great change for me.

It's offered me structure and a steady income-
not things to be taken for granted
in 2006,
in 2007,
or at any time

Unfulfilled promise?
My creative stirrings promise so much,
but realizing these promises takes focus

and focus is too easily lost
Life gets in the way of living
Crisis management
trumps dream fulfillment
Dreams get in the way of dreams
and clash vividly in confusion

Things turn out to be not as advertised,
sweet things turn sour,
one could easily turn bitter

I could easily turn the venom upon myself
for being in the wrong place
at the wrong time
with the wrong people,
or maybe the right people
in the wrong place
at the wrong time
or something wrong anyway

But to learn
to be kinder to others
I had to learn
to be kinder to myself

It's been a tumultuous year
in which I relied on crises
to shake things up,
to finally
force me
to make needed changes

And the year ends
with positive steps and optimism

A good year
in spite of bad details,
and the promise is passed on
to 2007.

2006-12-27T14:54:00.000-05:00

Music and Magic

I go to church mainly for the music now. In fact, the last four times I was in a church (during the runup to Christmas), three of them were for Christmas concerts (the other was for a retirement party- not mine).

To me, the church mass is all performance. All those rituals are a form of performance. The trouble is that the performance of rituals at Mass tends to leave me cold. I can enjoy doing scripture readings in church, but I then I just enjoy performing readings, and I feel a bit odd about that. I feel like an actor, not a worshipper. But music truly can be heavenly- especially if there's a choir and the voices blend together in weird and wonderful ways.

I'd like to join a choir again, I love to sing. It wasn't always thus. In fact, I remember not having a clue in the high school choir. I believe I was informed that I was tone deaf. But over the years, as I listened to music, I somehow learned to intuitively make sense of how it worked- how all the strands worked together. Then, when I was living on my own in New York, I started to sing more and more in order to cope with the anxiety attacks that had become part and parcel of New York life. It was around that time that I bought an audio primer in vocal harmony (at least in pop music)- the Good Vibrations box set by the Beach Boys.

I was already familar with the Beach Boys' big hits, like "Surfin' USA" and "California Girls". I was also familar with "Pet Sounds", which is actually rather differant from most of the other Beach Boys stuff- combining rather advanced Beach Boys harmonies with complex, nearly symphonic instrumental arrangements- it all sounds very romantic, actually, in a bittersweet way. But I'd always thought that the Beach Boys didn't do anything of interest after 1966. Not quite true. The Disc 2 of the set included about 20 minutes of the unreleased album "Smile", including sheer beauty in "Wonderful" and "Surf's Up", as well as otherwordliness in "Cabin-Essence" and in some of the "Heroes and Villains". Meanwhile the third disc showed that the band managed to eke out some creativity in the late '60s and early '70s- that was the time when they produced some of their most interesting work, actually.

The box set inspired me to start writing songs and trying to put together vocal arrangements, which was not easy since I was musically illiterate. Still, I have tapes of layered a cappela vocals from those days, including one song that has so many layers it reminds me of "Cabin-Essence", or even Heart of the Congos (a reggae album by the Congos and produced by Lee "Scratch" Perry, where the tape-on-tape layering of vocals was done so often that it often sounds like the backing vocals are filtering in from the outer cosmos). The chorus of that song expressed my yearning, uncertain spirituality:

"Somewhere in the distance, in that great expanse,
must be some kind of answer: I search for it, entranced."

2006-12-23T11:18:00.000-05:00

Not such a green christmas after all?

A merry Christmas might be not so jolly for the environment, according to this report:
http://news.independent.co.uk/environment/article2097768.ece

True, this report is from the UK, but I doubt if it's any better here.

I'm not anti-Christmas, but this is a bit much....

2006-12-22T19:08:00.000-05:00

Dissatisfied with where they are, people start moving in search for something better. Flowing and joining together, they form streams, then a large river in search of a shining sea.

Golden voices from heaven tell of how this sea they flow toward is a perfect sea, pure in every way, so that even when the impure enter it, they are washed clean by waters that are not sullied by the impurities coming into them.

Someone rather tentatively expresses some mild reservations about one of the aspects of this story, and soon enough a screeching chorus swoops down from the exalted sky of ideological purity. "HERESY!", goes the scream. The scream becomes an explosion, tearing the heretical traitors to pieces. But the popular movement is itself torn and then scattered, and all that's left is for those who are left to look to the sky for deliverance- and with fear.

2006-12-22T18:44:00.000-05:00

Goodbye, Hanukkah

How appropriate that the Jewish festival of light occurred this past week, as my body groaned with exhaustion for want of daylight.

A week ago tonight, I celebrated it, along with my new home, with friends. This in spite of my goyness. Oh, but my family did celebrate this holiday when I was in (Jewish) preschool. I even made a menorah at preschool, and although it was likely a very rough thing it would still be beyond my current craft skills- it's not all progression as you get older, you know. Skills do fall by the wayside. And we lit the menorah on the eight nights. But after preschool it was never the same- I went on to the then Protestant School Board of Greater Montreal- although my family was Catholic, I never went to Catholic school.

But when I was in preschool, I learned that oil figured prominantly in the story of Hanukkah. It's a liberation story, not as fundamental as the Exodus one but telling all the same. Actually, it involves "freedom fighters" (the Maccabees) lauching a guerilla war against the great imperial power of the time- and winning! In those days, political power and religion were almost the same thing, so part of the oppression of the Jews (though they were likely not known as "Jews" at the time, they were the people now known as such) had been the desecration of their Temple by shrines to other gods. So the victorious Maccabees cleaned up the Temple, but then had difficulty finding oil to light all the candles. Miraculously, the small amount of oil they did find provided sufficient to light all the candles.

So it is that part of the celebration involves eating foods cooked in oil. Hence, potato latkes, which are basically potato pancakes fried in oil. I made sweet potato lakes- a slight variation. What I didn't know was the other popular treat used to celebrate the holiday, until a friend of mine came over, fresh from her own celebration, bearing donuts! Oh, right, they're made in oil too...She says they're more popular than latkes in Israel.

So anyway, that's it for Hanukkah. Stay tuned for Christmas....

2006-12-22T13:13:00.000-05:00

Headline on a magazine cover:

Your Best Body Ever!

Hmm....how many other bodies is one supposed to have had?

2006-12-21T18:39:00.000-05:00

Winter Solstice

So....I managed to drag myself over the finish line. Work is over for 2006! I was worried there for a bit- a couple of days this week I just felt so depleted, all I wanted to do was sleep. I'm like that the last two weeks of the year.

Not that my "to do" list is empty. Now I have a day for buying gifts, hopefully without going insane. And then there's a couple of creative projects I told myself I'd work on over the vacation. Hopefully it won't be too much like work. I want to see if I can do home recording on my computer, and if so, if I can multitrack vocals, thus building up layers of interlocking harmonies. I want to practice guitar. AND, I want to work on a sort of theatre variety thing that will be a sort of musical too, that will be about activism and what that means, anyway. Is it worth it trying to save the world? Who do we think we are, trying to save the world? Do we need to deny ourselves or can we have fun trying to change things? And so on and so forth....

Oh yes, and doing some cooking at home is sounding good too...

2006-12-19T22:00:00.000-05:00

Harper says he doesn't know what the Quebecois nation is, exactly-
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2006/12/19/harper-motion.html - yet he boasts about having "recognized" it. Whatever that means.

Yup, our Prime Minister is a clever lad, isn't he?

2006-12-16T15:37:00.000-05:00

Hmmm.....

I had an unusually vivid dream last night. In it, I was a Soviet citizen (probably someone fairly high up in the Communist Party) who had somehow run afoul of Josef Stalin, and was painfully aware that I could be "liquidated" at any moment, and there I was, trying to live in a positive way facing that. Beyond that, the details are rather sketchy. I was relieved when I awoke, although it wasn't a nightmare in the usual sense. In fact, I remember there was a positive feeling running though tremendous tension.

No such drama in my waking dream today. Laziness abounds in me.

2006-12-06T11:36:00.000-05:00

A sad anniversary today.

Perhaps it's a bit more personally resonant to me now than it was before, given the events at Dawson last September. During the whole thing the Polytechnique massacre of December 1989 was very much on my mind. One major difference was that at Dawson a massacre was averted by timely police action. Another major differance, though, was that in the Polytechnique massacre the gunman was targeting young women who were getting into the traditionally male dominated field of engineering.

I was in high school when it happened, and I thought of my female classmates who I really respected and who seemed to be destined to the sciences, and it really showed me that the attainment of equality between the sexes was not a neat historical process, but a dangerous struggle for those engaged in it- dangerous because those feeling threatened by that struggle could strike back with violence. I already
sort of knew that from my reading of history, but this was not the reading of history, it was the real thing, and it was messy and dangerous- and deadly. Though not to me. Ever noticed how the threat of violence means different things to men
and women? Even now, the threats are differant in a way that can curtail women's freedoms.

People can argue that this is attaching too much social and political significance to the massacre. The gunman was crazy, they may say. But what is that saying? You could argue that Hitler was crazy, but you wouldn't then say that his murder of the Jews was just the expression of a form of personal insanity that had nothing to with the anti-Semitism that the Jews had had to endure for centuries. Sometimes we say that someone's actions are insane when we don't want to acknowledge the pervasive context of which they are an extreme example.

December 6, 1989 also affected my father, who taught physics in CEGEP. He dedicated all subsequent publications of his textbook to those killed in the massacre.

2006-12-05T13:22:00.000-05:00

New Home

I'm still recovering from my Moving Day which was- you guessed it- December 1: last Friday, when the rain came down to freeze the ground, often accompanied by driving ice pellets. So this is why July 1 is more popular. The move's done anyway, and I'm glad because while I don't wish to dislike anybody, it's sometimes easier to avoid disliking them if you don't have to live or work with them.

Still, on Saturday evening I found myself nodding off during a party, and it wasn't out of boredom. The odd thing was, I went to another one afterwards that evening. I want to at least make the effort to be sociable and demonstrate that I care about and appreciate the people in my life. But I only stayed at the second party for half an hour.

So I've got a new home now, and though I'm still getting settled in I rather like the feel of it and of the neighbourhood- the eastern Plateau, just off of Mont-Royal Street, and a block away from a large park.

2006-11-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

Inspiring and overwhelming

It's almost too much...after being inspired by a friend's workshop on dealing with the state of the world and finding the strength needed to contribute to its healing, I heard an interview with Joanna Macy, the woman on whose ideas and methods the workshop is based. It was the experience of hearing someone not only express, but embody- in personality,in attitude- the ideas I'd been reaching for and trying to articulate.

The theme of the interview was "don't be afraid of the dark." What does this mean? Well, on Thursday night, I heard another inspiring person, this time Stephen Lewis.

For the past few years he has been witnessing the horrendous toll being exacted on Africa by the AIDS epidemic. His words, delivered with trendous passion, painted a picture to break anyone's heart- a picture of heartrending suffering, of inexplicable destruction, of callous indifference. Why look at this picture? Turn away now, or it will surely break your heart. But wait! If you turn away, what will you be missing? You will miss the other parts of the picture- the parts in which people draw on unexpected inner strength to deal with heartbreak and worse- to deal with unimaginable trauma. The parts in which people help people rebuild their lives and their communities- the spirit of life coming to the aid of life in distress. Look away, and you will not see our strengths- our own strengths; our common strengths.

We look away with foreboding and we do not see that we are strong despite our frailties. We feel weak and isolated. But imagine- if we could only focus on those qualities that could make us strong together, and support and celebrate these qualities in ourselves and in each other, rather than distracting ourselves with destructive pursuits- what then? Of course, it isn't that simple. There are so many practical details to concern ourselves with- so many points on which to disagree. But then again...in a way, once we get to the heart of the matter, maybe it is that simple after all.

And so, Stephen Lewis showed how a heartbreaking picture in words can yet be powerfully uplifting and hopeful. A powerful illustration of Joanna Macy's point- we need not be afraid of the dark.

2006-11-14T21:55:00.000-05:00

The sort of evening that makes me exited about being alive

Around Concordia I ran into an old school friend who I hadn't seen in ages, who insisted that we get together some time.

Then, I went to a really inspiring talk on the healing power of theatre, by the director of the drama therapy centre at Concordia. Being a theatrical instigator myself, I guess I naturally warm to this subject, but I also know people in the program, and it was nice to see video footage of them. It was also very moving to see footage of people with developmental disabilities basking in applause after their performance; to see them glowing with new confidence about themselves and about interacting with others. It also made me think of how theatre has been healing for me and has allowed me to bring out and develop sides of myself that previously operated in hiding- I guess that's why I'm now addicted to theatre.

An inspiring evening- and then yesterday evening, lots of people came to a practice for my dinner theatre project, and for the first time this year I could feel that there was enough energy here to carry the project forward. It often takes time to reach that point, but I think we've reached it. Of course, this is only the beginning, but definately crucial....

2006-11-13T11:06:00.000-05:00

What obligations would those be, then?

"Canada is on track to meet all of our Kyoto obligations except for our target," (our Environment minister Rona Ambrose) told Parliament last week.

2006-11-13T10:42:00.000-05:00

ACTION ALERT: IMMEDIATE ACTION REQUIRED TO RELIEVE DEBT IN THE AMERICAS
ACTION IMMÉDIATE REQUISE POUR DELIVRER LES AMERIQUES DE LEUR DETTE

A reminder for myself and an encouragement to anyone reading this:

The Social Justice Committee calls on Brazil to take action in support of debt relief for Bolivia, Guyana, Nicaragua, Haiti, and Honduras before December 31,2006. These countries suffer from extreme poverty, which is related to the debt burden imposed on them by major multilateral creditors. Whereas creditors such as the International Monetary Fund and the African Development fund have agreed to cancel 100% of the debts owed by their most impoverished debtors, the Inter-American Development Bank (IADB) has failed to provide debt relief to its debtors that are most in need. Action leading to the relief of this debt has been delayed by Brazil, which is unnecessarily concerned about the financing of the debt cancellation.

Some things to consider:

· All five of the above countries owe well-over 50% of their debts to the IADB, amassing a combined debt of over 3.5 billion dollars.
· Instead of sufficiently budgeting for social programs that serve to fight poverty, these countries are forced to repay millions of dollars in debt. For example, in 2005 Bolivia was forced to expend 30% of its national budget on repaying its debts- money that would have been better spent on providing basic healthcare and education to the population.
· The IADB can undoubtedly withstand this debt cancellation, as it is a powerful institution with US $101 billion dollars in capital. Consequently, Brazil’s concerns are not justified in impeding the debt relief initiative.

The leaders of these countries have requested that relief be implemented by December 31, due to the urgent nature of this issue. Brazil must be pushed to take action and agree to a debt-relief program for these countries. Without debt relief, it is unlikely that any of these countries will be able to break out of the vicious cycle of debt and poverty. Write to the Brazilian ambassador today, and urge him to push the Brazilian government to take immediate action to relieve the IADB’s debt.

Include in your letter:
· Who you are and where you are writing from
· That you are concerned about the extreme poverty that exists in Nicaragua, Bolivia, Guyana, Haiti and Honduras.
· That you think it is important that the IADB cancel its debt to these countries, and that it is important that Brazil take immediate action to push this issue forward.
· Your signature, and make sure to add your address so that the ambassador will know where he can write back to you
· Send your message to:

His Excellency Valdemar CARNEIRO LEÄO (M) Ambassador Embassy of the Federative Republic of Brazil - Ottawa, Canada450 Wilbrod Street Ottawa, Ontario K1N 6M8 Canada Tel: (613) 237-1090 Fax: (613) 237-6144 mailbox@brasembottawa.org

2006-11-13T09:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went to see a talk on poetry, literacy and bodily experience. It's something that's difficult to grasp from a lecture though. Luckily, the speaker also read some of her poetry, accompanied by a musician. There can be a music even just in the reading (the rythm, or even just the sounds of the words) but when the music of the reading and the music of the, er, um, music, work together, a new music emerges to be lived in and to live in the listener. Something like that.

One exercise we were asked to do was to write in reaction to a button:

Ode to a Red Button

This button makes me think of how small things that are red on khaki green backgrounds are larger than life, for they stand out, out and about proclaiming themselves in distinction, proclaiming themselves by what they are- red in this case- a case of identity, not mistaken, but could be a matter of over-generalization in categorization: its redness seen as definitive, but surely a button is more than its colour- it connects openings and closings of clothing protecting us from the elements- elements like those that are now on my mind and outside of my window- cold and grey elements in which the red and the warmth are doubly distinct.

2006-11-13T09:36:00.000-05:00

Saving the Fraser-Hickson Library

The Fraser-Hickson library in NDG has long been an important presence in the community, but unfortunately it looks set to close. It has long operated on a private endowment but can no longer be sustained that way. The city has saved many millions because this library has been operating. Everyone knows that as it is the city’s libraries leave a lot to be desired when compared to those of other Canadian cities- now is not the time to let a library close.

Online petition: http://www.petitiononline.com/fhl341/petition.html

2006-11-11T20:40:00.000-05:00

On Saturday I finally went to see Darren Ell’s photographic exhibition, "Between States", after weeks of procrastination. More details here- Review of 'Between States'.

I also wrote a song called "What Is This Love?". I conceived it as a meditation on how easily love can turn ugly. It soon dawned on me that it contains some pretty barbed lines that I could imagine someone having said to me with some justification, although that person was too nice to do so. So it's up to me, the nasty one, to come up with lines like "No way to live, passive aggression’s/the way to leave a bad impression", "You declare your love with every threat/explaining that it made you upset", "Slamming the door, saying we were worlds apart/you tried to win a war that I tried not to start". And then there’s the chorus: "What is this love that you say you feel, that turns to anger to prove that it’s real?"

Hopefully this is part of the process of learning some important lessons.

2006-11-10T23:13:00.000-05:00

It's Rememberance Day today. My mixed feelings: What Are We Remembering?

2006-11-10T17:59:00.000-05:00

I'm serious when I say Donald Rumsfeld has a way with words, and there's often a philosphical aspect to it. It reminds me a bit of some of the stuff I write. But it hardly makes up for some of his, um, other qualities. I wouldn't want to be him.

"Things will not be necessarily continuous. The fact that they are something other than perfectly continuous ought not to be characterised as a pause. There will be some things that people will see. There will be some things that people won't see. And life goes on."

Indeed, life does go on- although I can't helping thinking about those for whom it doesn't, thanks to the war.

Glass Box (from "The Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld, edited by Hart Seely)

You know, it's the old glass box at the -
At the gas station,
Where you're using those little things
Trying to pick up the prize,
And you can't find it.
It's -

And it's all these arms are going down in there.
And so you keep dropping it
And picking it up again and moving it
But -

Some of you are probably too young to remember those -
Those glass boxes,

But -
But they used to have them
At all the gas stations
When I was a kid.

Unfortunately, a lot of Rumsfeld's verbal cleverness allowed him to not deal with reality, like when he said "Absence of evidence is not necessarily evidence of absence", allowing him to remain in denial on the issue of WMD's. Or what about this statement about the differant kinds of "attacks":

"A random round can be an attack, and all the way up to killing 50 people someplace. So you've got a whole fruit bowl of different things - a banana and an apple and an orange."

Let this be a lesson to all of us who pride ourselves on our verbal cleverness.

2006-11-10T17:44:00.000-05:00

He may have left a lot to be desired as defence secretary, but he did have a sort of way with words:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/quiz/questions/0,,1943315,00.html

Philosophy (epistemology)- 'The message is that there are known knowns - there are things that we know that we know. There are known unknowns - that is to say, there are things that we now know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns - there are things we do not know we don't know. And each year we discover a few more of those unknown unknowns.'

Detective Work- ‘We know where they [Iraq's alleged WMD] are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.

Libertarianism- 'Stuff happens. It's untidy, and freedom's untidy, and free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes and do bad things.' (has anyone told the ‘law and order’ people about this?)

Open to all possibilities- 'He [Osama Bin Laden] is either alive and well or alive and not too well or not alive.'

A sense of wonder- 'This is fantastic - I've got a laser pointer! ... Holy mackerel ... ah man, that's terrific!'

A straight-talker- 'I shouldn't get into ... this is diplomacy, and I don't do diplomacy.'

Too much of a straight-talker- 'We do have a saying in America: if you're in a hole, stop digging ..... erm, I'm not sure I should have said that.'

More epistemology (the relationship between belief and knowledge)- 'I believe what I said yesterday ... I don't know what I said, er, but I know what I think, and ... well, I assume it's what I said.'

Ethics- 'Well, um, you know, some things are neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so, I suppose, as Shakespeare said.'

Ethical implictions of actions- 'It's like, you know, stirring for troubled waters.'

Seeing Iraq in pieces- 'What we are seeing is not the war in Iraq. What we're seeing is slices of the war in Iraq.'

2006-11-09T20:38:00.000-05:00

November Optimism

Is it my imagination, or am I becoming more optimistic?

Answer: It is my imagination, and I am becoming more optimistic.

There were two situations that I felt trapped in for months. One is clearly about to come to an end, for as I've mentioned before, I'm moving. The other is a sense of emotional attatchment that's been misplaced- let's leave it at that. I'm cautiously optimistic and cautiously optimistic about that situation.

2006-11-08T09:19:00.000-05:00

Time to be patient, to remain calm, laying the groundwork for better times to come

It’s about time for some good news: American voters have sharply rebuked the Bush administration, giving control of the House of Representatives (like our House of Commons) to the opposition Democrats.

This is but a small step in the right direction, but a small step in the right direction is still a step in the right direction, right?

2006-11-05T13:28:00.000-05:00

New possibilities arise,
shooting sparks,
lighting up the darkness of the night,
causing much exitement,
but followed by disappointment
when they fizzle out

They did show, briefly but brightly,
that other things are possible,
and really, that is enough

well, for a while anyway

2006-11-04T23:35:00.000-05:00

Good news! I'm moving!

It's good news because I feel good about where I'm moving to. I'll havea friend for a roomate, and I'll be in a place where it'll be less of a struggle for me to be true to my values.

I'm in an exiting time of change. Last time I felt like this was in April-May, a time of possibilities. But unforseen events (and some foreseen ones too) got in the way.

Some things are not meant to be. Sometimes one must work that out the hard way. Repeatedly! Oh well.

2006-11-03T16:20:00.000-05:00

A Good Cause From Amnesty International/ Churches

The Canadian refugee system does not allow refugees to appeal a negative decision from the Immigration and Refugee Board on the merits of the claim.

Why not write your MP about this? The right to an appeal is fundamental, because it reduces the chance of people being harmed by unjust decisions. Just click on this link:

Give refugees the right to appeal: support Bill C-280

I remember that around this time two years ago, Canadian churches held a "Sanctuary Week", thus noting how the churches were becoming the final refuge for refugees facing deportation with no ability to appeal. It's a shame that things haven't changed much since then. But the church services were good, especially the one at Union United. A predominantly black congregation, they had an approach to worship that seemed so alive in comparison to what I was familar with. Also, their church was packed and seemed to be a major community focal point- again in contrast with most other churches in Montreal.

Unfortunately, they were to lose their rather charismatic minister less than a year after that. He hadn't passed all his Divinity courses. But he could preach! He used that skill in his activism too, not just in church.

That Sanctuary Week was when I really discovered this issue, thanks in part to a friend who was doing a project on it. It's good to see Amnesty International picking up on it. Solidarity Across Borders has been on the case for years, but it can only do so much on its own.

2006-11-02T16:25:00.000-05:00

Clarifying Nonsense

Sometimes I wonder whether the things I write cross the line into gibberish (see A Clarification for an example). I enjoy playing with words and with the ideas behind them. What does it mean? Well, in the case of “A Clarification”, I think that it’s that the playing is the point, and that besides that there are no firm conclusions being drawn here, although the reader is welcome to come up with her own interpretation.

Some of the things I write draw on real events, but only as starting points for wordplay and/or idea-play. Although reality provides good starting points for stories, its own stories aren’t always the most interesting ones- or necessarily ones that I’d wish to tell.

2006-11-02T10:53:00.000-05:00

So There IS a Logic to it After All! / Thoughts on Halloween

"Bush keeps saying the terrorists hate us for our freedom. And he's working damn hard to see that pretty soon that won't be a problem."- Bill Maher

See http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/20061027.html) for more from his monologue, which also touches on women wearing "sexy" costumes on Halloween. I've been so out of touch on the latest in Halloween costume fashions- first I heard of this was from One Female Canuck! (see Are you a Picasso?)

Halloween? Bah, Hambug!

No, but really- my roomate told me that he paid over $200 for his Halloween costume this year! From his perspective, I suppose his investment "paid off"- his costume won a prize at a party. From my perspective, things like Halloween should be occasions for having fun, not feeling pressured to spend large amounts of money trying to outdo other people- and it seems to me that the sexy costumes are just another example of that. I mean, it's fine if somebody wants to express his or her sexuality, but when people decide that they need to project "sexiness" just to please others or conform with others, it seems to me that that is not true self-expression, and definately not liberating.

2006-10-29T15:42:00.000-05:00

First day of winter

Oh, right...it gets cold this time of year. Funny how I always get reminded the hard way. Funny how I can know without really knowing it.

Yes, it's the first day of the Montreal winter, by my subjective measure. Sure, it's not official, but I know winter when I'm feelin' it.

2006-10-29T11:59:00.000-05:00

O Me of Little Faith!

Inspired by a post (Pole-vaulting to find Faith?) and ensuing discussion on the blog of "One Female Canuck"

I'm developing this stuff for an upcoming zine called "Believing is Seeing"
_____________________________________________________________

It's the end of term. We're talking on the metro, on the way back from some event. She is speaking about how difficult and stressful the last couple of weeks have been for her. I respond to this, pretty seriously I guess. She smiles.

"You know, you really shouldn't believe everything I say."

"Why not?", I say. "It's a good story. And as the Good Book (Life of Pi) teaches, one should believe in the better story. Give me a better story and I will believe that instead."

OR

It's the end of term. We're talking on the metro, on the way back from some event. She is speaking about how difficult and stressful the last couple of weeks have been for her. I respond to this, pretty seriously I guess. She smiles.

"You know, you really shouldn't believe everything I say."

"No? Uh....well, OK......maybe not everything. But what? And why?"

Which story do you believe?

_______________________________________________________________

Well, I’ve always said there’s nothing an agnostic can’t do if he really doesn’t know whether he believes in anything or not" (Monty Python, "Church Bells" sketch)

I grew up a lapsed Catholic, in a very secular environment. But I’ve wanted to believe that there’s a point to things and that I have a purpose within that. I read the parts of the Bible where prophets thundered against the kings and other powers that be of the age, who were screwing the poor and bringing Israel to ruin and I thought- I should be like that. So I became an activist of sorts. I believed that if I dressed up as pernicious suited capitalists, suited axe wielding bureaucrats or as imperialist national mascots and re-enacted injustices on the street or before audiences, I would help to change the popular consciousness- I would help the world overcome the idolatry of neo-liberalism and restore a true, balanced sense of spiritual/religious transcendence that would include social justice and living in a manner that would be sustainable within our natural environment. Or words to that effect, anyway.

I still do activist theatre, but as a Catholic I seem to have become even more lapsed lately. I’ve found it difficult to take the pronouncements of popes and bishops very seriously. Out-of-touch, exclusively male hierarchies have never really appealed to me. After one recent activist theatre performance I went to a party where I witnessed an argument about gender and sexuality between an exceedingly sexually liberated (well, at least rhetorically) young woman and a young non-lapsed Catholic man. It was an interesting argument. For much of the night she was almost on top of him, continuously threatening to have sex with him to prove her points. Or so it seemed, but then I was rather drunk at the time. But even if it isn’t true, there’s a whole series of fantasies one could develop from this story idea- philosophical sex!

But, erm, anyway. What do I believe in? I believe I would like to believe in something. It’s not much, but it’ll have to do for now.

2006-10-28T16:27:00.000-04:00

I’ve been sliding backwards, but looking forward to that day: the day of my release, when the wind, unleashed, will blow the grey away.

Enough about the weather. I went briefly to the manif against the war in Afghanistan, and was quickly discouraged by the rain. But then, at the "Block the Empire" part of the rally, I was rallied by a marching band. They had some other interesting art performance things happening involving clowns. Looks like an interesting thing to be a part of.

I've sometimes been put off by Block the Empire's self-consciously "radical" rhetoric- but the spirit of playful creativity will transcend such limitations. The chants, which were not infused with such spirit, did not. To my mind, the point of a chant at a march is to concisely and (and, even better, memorably) convey what the march is about. I think that what a chant like "Le capital fait la guerre- la guerre au capital!" (Capital makes war. Make war on capital!) conveys to most people is "Here is a bunch of communists." I don't believe that was, or should have been, the point. Not that I'm a great fan of capitalism myself, but I don't find mere "anti-capitalism" to be very inspiring either.

Soon enough my aversion to continous cold rain under a grey sky won out over the activist spark in me. (The weather keeps creeping back into this) Maybe it's making me crabby and conservative.

But enough about the weather.

2006-10-27T12:45:00.000-04:00

Lunchtime: Chocolate and Coffee

Now's the time of year when I start drinking more coffee (I'm not usually a great coffee drinker) and craving sweets, especially chocolate. It's the quest for an energy boost.

I woke up this morning in a good mood though, not like some mornings. ("Grumble...grumble...it's cold, do I have to get out of bed? I'm warm here, and I'm still tired, and I bet it'll be grey and cold and rainy outside...where's the freakin' sun....grumble, grumble, cough, cough...oh great, now I'm probably coming down with a cold, just what I need right now...I've gotta get up though, or I'll be late...well, maybe just a few more minutes of warm rest in these blankets--maybe those hibernating animals have a point? But I've got to gat up...grumble, grumble...maybe go down for some some tea and cereal now", etc., etc.)

I've been writing more ecology of economics (or economics of ecology) stuff. Like this : People and Other Commodities 5: Have You Heard?. It's actually based on a monologue I did last May at an environmentally themed soiree. The good thing about is that while it contains topical material, the main concept is pretty elastic, so I can keep updating it- I've changed it a couple of times already. Ah, recycling....

I dedicate it to a friend of mine whose comments were part of the inspiration for it. Sometimes we see each other, sometimes we don't, but either way her inspiration stays with me from the times we have spent together.

2006-10-26T20:47:00.000-04:00

Still tired, but differantly this time

I'm tired today because last night I went to a spoken word event- I stayed only for part of it. Either poets and poetry fans can make do with less sleep than me, or they don't work 9-5. To be fair, I was already run down from my earlier insomnia. Anyway, it was good to get more connected into that scene, because I'd like to get into reading. I like to write and I like to perform. I love it when poetry becomes sound. To me, poetry is sound- even when I read it silently to myself, I'm hearing the sounds of words playing off each other. "Words playing"- I like that....

2006-10-24T13:28:00.001-04:00

Interesting Links

2006-10-24T13:28:00.000-04:00

Tired- Insomnia Again

I’ve been having trouble sleeping again. A friend of mine suggested that it might have something to do with the moon. Well, I suppose if the moon causes tides, it’s not so implausible. Perhaps the phase of the moon also explains why people have become so noisy. Some people may not feel like sleeping due to the lunar phase, and may wish to fill the emptiness of their late night lives (not to mention the lives of those around them) with noise. How thoughtful.

2006-10-23T22:08:00.000-04:00

Letting Go

After a break from zinemaking, in the past few days I've found myself inspired to gather together stuff, and write new stuff too, having vaguely to do with the topic of "Letting Go". It's a topic that's become rather interesting to me in recent years. Also, last spring some friends of mine who do Playback Theatre did one on that very topic.

This may be coming at a very appropriate time for me. Or not. I don't want to jinx it or anything.

One problem about publishing things is that once they're published, they're published- I can't go back and change them anymore. Or I can, but it will be a differant version from the printed version, which can't be changed (unless I put out a new, altered edition). One piece I published that I was thinking of performing was a story about getting calls from a 1-800 number, but I found myself changing it to make it more interesting performance-wise. I ended up dropping it from my planned performance, but I like the new version better than the old. What a pity I already published it. Mind you, I had to fit the published version into a certain space, and the new version wouldn't have fitted. Oh well.

2006-10-23T20:02:00.000-04:00

Hope

Today I wrote an article (People and Other Commodities 3: Left Behind? ) in reaction to Liberal leadership candidate Bob Rae's comments about the NDP and the left in general. It's part of my new essay series on economics called "People and Other Commodities". I've long been interested in economics- mainly because I'm suspicious of economists. (Don't worry, I know there are some good ones out there!)

I guess I feel more confortable with this topic than I do with the Middle East, which has dominated my political blog so far. Emotions run high for many people, especially where Israel and the Palestinians are concerned. I try to speak to what I see as the injustices going on there but I find myself burning out on it from time to time, especially since I'm aware that I'm bound to end up offending many of my friends who are on differant sides of the issue (that is of course if they read what I write- sometimes I hope they won't, although that would seem to negate the purpose of writing it) Anyway, I feel better able to present aspects of political economy with some wit and eloquence without being swayed back and forth by emotional attachments.

I guess that even my most critical political pieces have some hope in them somewhere. There's got to be- otherwise, why write anything about these things? I've no interest in writing post-mortems.

2006-10-22T19:37:00.000-04:00

Book Review: My Most Secret Desire by Julie Doucet

This past week I recieved a $50 gift certificate for Paragraphe from QPIRG Concordia in appreciation for my volunteer efforts there (that gift increased my appreciation for QPIRG Concordia). With it I bought two books, A Short History of Almost Everything by Bill Bryson, which I've just started, and My Most Secret Desire, a cartoon book by Julie Doucet. What I didn't realize when I bought it was that most of it is set in Montreal, as Julie Doucet is and has been a Montrealer.

I found it in the graphic novels section of the bookstore, by the way. I suppose "graphic novel" sounds more weighty than "cartoon novel" or "comic book", but basically you've got picture panels in which characters communicate with speech bubbles. Call it what you like.

These cartoons were done between 1989 and 1997, originally appearing in her series Dirty Plotte, and it depicts the rather vivid dreams, nightmares and fantasies of a twentysomething artist in Montreal, trying to make ends meet with other jobs, imagining what it would be like to be a man, having a recurring dream about giving birth to kittens, and so on.

Some of it is unsettling, but a lot of it is funny. For me, the funniest bits are "A Day in Julie Doucet's Life", which depicts just that (hopefully just a bad day, though!) and "The Day I Can't Take It Anymore", her fantasy about going off to live in the wilderness and living with imaginary friends, including a plucked/beheaded chicken named Baxter. This is humour that comes out of some pretty desperate situations.

Some of it is unsettling, but I have to say I admire Doucet's courage- she doesn't censor herself. Before I'd even have got halfway to where she gets to I'd be saying to myself "Do I really want to share this with the world? What would people think of me?", etc., etc. I'm also not sure whether to be envious or grateful that I don't get such vividly memorable dreams. Probably the latter.

2006-10-22T13:20:00.000-04:00

Struggle: A Friday and A Saturday

Saturday- Spoke to friends today of some of my troubles, and what I'm going to be doing about them. Change is in the air- I'm writing a lot, and that usually happens in times of transition, where I'm changing gears, or trying to- my poetry often comes out of the clash between the old world dying and the new world being born, emerging out of the carcass of the old, or words to that effect anyway.

Friday- got really depressed- I hit rock bottom as I was heading home from work in the cold cold rain under a darkening grey sky. The ache in me was becoming unbearable.

It had been a difficult week- depressing weather and a tense roomate situation. I ended up speaking to a social worker at the nearby CLSC- I first sought out that service after the shootings at Dawson. I just needed to talk to someone, and I didn't feel ready to talk to any of my friends about it.

It turned out I wasn't in as bad shape as I feared. As I talked I became animated about things that exited me, and I even started cracking jokes! And I realized that although there's a melancholic streak in me, there's also a love for life in me that's vibrant and creative. When the social worker said, in effect "So.... you're not going to commit suicide or anything?" I told her that I've never wanted to, not even in my lowest moments (which is true) and even pronounced an enthusiastic ode to life: "I want to live! I believe there's so much there, it has so much to offer, and I want what it has to offer."

So I know I have what it takes to get through this rough patch.

2006-10-21T08:40:00.000-04:00

Steer Well Clear of all Meetings...and other tips for workplace survival

I found this somewhat amusing article in The Guardian (online edition).

"Guy Browning offers 20 top tips for surviving life in the workplace" http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,1924681,00.html

Oh, but I assure you that this has got nothing to do with my current job...well, hardly at all, anyway.

2006-10-19T21:48:00.000-04:00

A Virtual Toast- To Meeting Inspiring People!

No spoken word after all!

'Twas cancelled. A shame, but there'll be other chances for me to flaunt my wordsmithery, for what it's worth. (NOTE- Here, Paul manages to cram oddly worded boasting and false modesty into one sentence!)

Some optimism is starting to show through the gloom. Meeting people with good ideas does that for me. Two in the space of less than a week! Meeting new people and getting to know old friends again offers the hope of movement in some positive directions.

2006-10-19T14:48:00.000-04:00

I'll be performing spoken word tonight.

By the way, the Tories unveiled their "made in Canada" approach to tackling greenhouse gases today. No doubt many a patriotic Canadian was hoping that the label "Made in Canada" would prove to be a byword for quality. So what a disppointhment to discover that this plan aims to reduce our emissions by 50% between now and 2050(!), without even offering any short-term targets. It would seem that for the Tories, procrastination is a fundamental Canadian value. (more on this at http://in-carcom.blogspot.com/2006/10/tories-green-gift-for-my-old-age-and.html)

2006-10-18T22:32:00.000-04:00

Ending With Indian Food

This evening I ended one of my volunteer engagements in a way that felt good- at a volunteer appreciation dinner, with good Indian food, where the conversation flowed as did the wine. It helped to raise my spirits.

My hope is that I can focus my energies a bit better. This is especially important at this time of year, when I tend to be lacking in the energy department.

I still have things to keep me busy though. I have this show I'm doing tommorrow, then I may have a street theatre project with UTIL and maybe a resumption of "Dictatorship of Debt" or its spinoff, "A Golden Opportunity".

2006-10-17T18:36:00.000-04:00

Autumn Grey, Autumn Blues

This morning, I walked the long way to work. I experienced the beauty of autumn- the many colours and hues of the leaves, the leaves falling and fallen- an image of beautiful decay.

But despite the beauty that is to be found in the season, it's a difficult time of year for me. It's a time of beauty but also of decay, of fading hopes and dreams that shone so brightly in the spring. The darkness is advancing, days getting shorter- and even much of the daylight time is actually grey.

People often complain about winter, but for me it's usually worse in anticipation. Once it's here I can deal with it, it's the sense of decline that leads to it that's hard to take.

It's always been difficult, although recently there was one year where there was a strong countervailing current of happiness streaming through me for a specific (external) reason. Once that was gone, though, there was trouble.

Which leads me to realize a frightening truth- how dependent I still am on external factors for my happiness.

In a way, it makes sense. I started out by being a rather closed-off person. My opening myself up to the world and to other people also opened me up to these external forces that can bring me joy or sorrow. That's not a bad thing, but don't I need to have a stronger ability to generate my own happiness? Well, I've been working on that too, but- still a ways to go I guess.

I keep working on it. But sometimes, when the darkness hits, the only thing I know to do "is to keep keepin' on/like a bird that flew/tangled up in blue."

2006-10-14T22:37:00.000-04:00

Subversive Creation (Time to Save the World Again)

Yesterday, I went to a day-long workshop at the Padua Center that a friend was giving. It was a good chance to see this friend again, meet new people, and maybe get inspired. I did get a poem out of it.

It was about changing ourselves in order to change the world. Change the world? Us? Yes, I'm afraid so. As someone put it in one of the Star Trek movies, "It's time for us to save the Earth again."

I've sometimes thought the title of my zine, Subversive Creation, to be a tad pretentious. But dammit, subversive creation is what we need! People talk about "smashing the system", but the closest they ever get are riots, which only smash shop windows. But fashioning practices and institions that embody alternative ways of seeing things- that's creation that subverts the system.

Destruction without creation is nihilism in action, but what we create can, like plants taking over the cracks in a crumbling concrete pavement, subvert and then take over from a system that cannot be sustained.

2006-10-10T22:48:00.000-04:00

A Plug

Perpetual Motion Roadshow #37 - the last Roadshow to hit Montreal until next May!
Thursday Oct. 19, 8 PM (doors at 7:30)
Bibliograph/e, 6091 du Parc (corner Van Horne)
pay-what-you-can

Featuring :

recovering slam poet ELLIOT HARMON from San Francisco!
irreverent guitarist OCHO from Minnesota!
zine-making punk DAVE FRIED from Chicago!
and from Montreal, PAUL BEAULIEU!

About the Roadshow:
The Perpetual Motion Roadshow is an indie press touring circuit, an unholy combination of a vaudevillian variety show and a punk rock tour. Each month, three new lively indie performers pile in a car and do seven cities in eight days, doing shows with the bold guarantee: NO BORING READINGS OR YOUR MONEY BACK! Transnational, it loops the northeast May-October and makes runs down the west coast during November-April. Founded by No Media Kings, we've been making our own fun since 2003 -- running on pure volunteer power and dirty dirty gasoline. www.perpetualmotionroadshow.com

About the performers:
Elliot Harmon is a poet and, more sporadically, an actor, a musician, a playwright, a teacher, a graduate student, and a director. He grew up in South Dakota and developed national recognition through the Omaha poetry-slam scene. Since then, he's been featured at numerous readings and slams across the Western U.S. His allusions to Brecht and Chekhov (not to mention his San Francisco street address) do little to hide his true country-boy poetic sensibilities. His backpack includes several copies of his two chapbooks, Luke, Don't Settle! and Summer of the Pterodactyl, and his CD, But You Don't Understand.

Ocho has been performing original songs for almost ten years. His songs reflect a mind that's upbeat, thoughtful, irreverent, frustrated, and inspired. They give the listener something to laugh at, like the futility of survival in the modern world, and the lack of answers to important life questions: "What's our ultimate purpose?" and "How can I make money without really DOING anything?" At 16, he unwittingly started a punk-rock scene in a rural South Dakota town that still thrives. He recently received his Master's degree in counseling psychology. His latest CD, "GoriillaBuddha," explores the stupidity and healing power of that science.

Dave Fried has lived in Chicago, Illinois for the past nine years. His favorite things in life include (in some order of importance): eating tacos, riding bikes, d-beat punk, and bowling. He'll most likely want to try the regional food in your area. He made his first zine in 1994 after reading about Riot Grrrl, making the connection between punk and zines. He writes the queerpunk perzine Black Carrot and helps fill the void with Grilled Tuna Tape distro. If you ever want to get his blood moving, put on some Finnish Hardcore, offer a coffee and take him bowling.

A Montreal Paul is a Montreal writer and performer. His poems, songs and monologues are sometimes ridiculous, sometimes sublime, and often unsure of where they're ending up on that spectrum until it's too late. Topics include: paper, coffee, the Kyoto Accord, absent-mindedness and the philosophical implications of recieving serial silent phone calls from a charity.

2006-10-09T22:09:00.000-04:00

Mostly Harmless

I was having this phone conversation:

Me: I've been kind of irritable today, but at least I think I made it through the day without snapping at anyone.

Friend: Snapping?

Me: Yes...

Friend: Really? I can't picture you snapping at anyone.

Me: You think I'm just this nice guy? I've got a friend or two who could tell you stories about me.

Just kidding. Hopefully my friend or two won't be telling those stories about me. I'm sorry, my friend or two.

2006-10-08T09:30:00.000-04:00

These Pictures and More

I just developed my roll of film. I keep thinking of getting a digital camera, but I'm a bit reluctant, as long as my old camera's still working.

Pictures added to old entries:

http://a-mtl-paul.blogspot.com/2006/09/im-back-i-feel-much-better_115920834000178170.html

http://a-mtl-paul.blogspot.com/2006/08/greetings-from-gasp-business-has.html

2006-10-07T21:13:00.000-04:00

In Praise of Praise?

I was at a birthday party for my mother this weekend. I said something that I can't even quite remember and she said "Paul, that's quite poetic." And then my dad said, "but don't you know, he writes poetry."

I probably should have said "Why yes, I do.", or something like that. InsteadI felt uncomfortable.

I have an ambivilent attitude towards having people pay attention to me. There was a time when my ambition seemed to be to not be noticed. Thankfully, those days are past, but I still feel not totally comfortable with being the centre of attention. So I probably don't take advantage of opportunities to present my work to people like I could. But doing theatre has brought out the attention seeker in me. I've seen pictures from shows where I'm clearly revelling in the spotlight. And of course, if I were a shrinking violet I wouldn't have a blog.
This ambivilence has come up lately with an added dimension, with people (still!) coming up to me and telling me that they saw me on TV coming out of Dawson. It attracted some nice attention from people being supportive. But still...it feels strange.

I also don't take praise terribly well- it's not that I don't like it, I just don't know how to respond to or even digest it. I feel awkward. Again, a couple of friends have said that I write great poetry and I haven't been sure how to process that. I'm not great with critisism either. The problem of course is that for me to have any kind of impact as an artist I'll need to seek attention and be able to take compliments and criticism. Without compliments or criticism, all that's left is indifferance.

At this same party, someone who's recently put on a play said that he was pleased that the last show was sold out, but he was also pleased that two people walked outduring the performance. "At least I'm getting a reaction", he said. How true.

Note the attention seeker at the front of this group shot...

2006-10-07T09:57:00.000-04:00

Stronger than Ever

I just wrote an article about the most difficult period of my life, which I’m going to submit for a Quebec Writers’ Federation publication. Writing it made me realize just how far I’ve come in the last three years. Whatever problems I may have now, fundamentally I'm much more alive than I was then- far more resiliant. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with the new possibilities this has given me, but at least they're there.

2006-10-06T19:16:00.000-04:00

It's good that the weekend is here. I can take things easier, although I still have some writing to do. One problem is that I don't feel very inspired. Last spring, it was like I couldn't keep up with everything that was coming to me. Now I have an event to perform at two weeks from now, and I need to work on a script for a possible theatre project. Poems are starting to come to me again, but I was hoping to write a monologue for the 19th, like one I did in early May, but differant. But I guess it's not happening. Anyway, I have lots of material. I'm just not sure what to use.

2006-10-06T17:04:00.000-04:00

Why Aren't Guys More Interesting?

OK, this is a provocative title- and a big generalization. Actually, I have a number of male friends who are quite interesting. Yet I remember going to a friend's party once and most of the people who showed up were guys- I spent most of the evening trying to pretend to be interested. I tend to find it easier to relate to women than to men- we seem to be more on the same wavelegnth. It may be a matter of temperment. I guess this is why I've tended to hang out in mostly-female places, like library school and libraries and the non-profit sector.

There's been a downside to this: what interests me about women as friends can also cause me to be interested in them in other ways. Dealing with having such feelings for people who are already friends hasn't always been easy- there's always a part of me that says "I'm quite happy with being her friend. Why put that at risk?" But if such feelings get serious and I don't say anything it can lead to confusion and misunderstandings. Can? It has, and worse. Hell, even if it doesn't get serious there can be confusion and misunderstandings- let the wrong ideas go skipping idly through your head too many times, and it's like you might as well be having serious intentions once you've started giving out the wrong impression of what your intentions are. And then, navigating my way through friendships- through the impressions and vibes coming at me and emanating from me- seems too often to have become really complicated. Complications- who needs them? How can I ever be simple again?

But enough of such laments. It's a beautiful day outside. The long weekend is just around the corner. A time for family and friends- and for us to be good friends to ourselves by taking it easy. Enjoy!

2006-10-05T21:46:00.000-04:00

There's too much on my mind, and there's nothing I can say/
There's too much on my mind, and there's nothing I can do/ about it"
(Ray Davies, "Too Much on My Mind"- from Face to Face by The Kinks)

Or how about this one from Bob Dylan: I got a headful of ideas that are drivin' me insane

You know, I should write a skit in which the characters speak using only lines from songs. Or wait- has that already been done?

My tastes in music are maybe a bit "old fashioned" Never mind about music from the '60s, I also like music from the 1600's! It's all good. Well, not necessarily, but there are so many possible angles on the art of making pleasing sounds that add up to some coherent piece- as short as a song, or as long as an opera.

As for what's on my mind- perhaps I've done all I can do about it. Maybe I've no power to deal with it, except to surrender to it and thereby no longer struggle with it. Perhaps if I cease to struggle it will get bored and go away. (There's something irresistable about the drama of conflict.) All I can do is be as true to myself as I can be, and take the consequences- a song for the occasion running through my head.

2006-10-05T21:45:00.000-04:00

I've Been Travelin'

well, just to Quebec City for a meeting and then back. I've been travelling more lately thanks to my job, and also thanks to my job, I have a steady income, some of which can be spent on travelling for fun. Speaking of which: when I told a friend about this little trip, he said that he enjoys being in other places, "It's getting to them that's a pain in the arse." I tend to agree, although last summer's trip out east was an exception- destinations were less important- I was enjoying going through places to get to other places. The weather being gorgeous sure helped though.

2006-10-02T17:15:00.000-04:00

Aaarghhh...computers!

Please indulge me a moment while I complain about the computers in my life.

For all the failings that people have (myself included of course), I wonder- maybe it's just me, but I find computers more unreliable than people. However hard it may to explain to people what it is you want, with a computer it's harder because it has no real intelligence, but it has the illusion of one, which makes me frustrated. I wonder why the computer isn't doing what I'm asking it to do- well, because the computer doeesn't "know" what I'm asking to do, of course. But there are so many differant variables at work in a computer at the same time that although a computer is not a person, it can still be unpredictable. What works one time doesn't work the next.

But the worst thing is that if I try to do a document on more than one computer, invariably, the formatting gets messed up. Like when I do these zines I've been doing, or documents at work. I've lost count of how many times I've had to readjust the typeface, the text size, the spacing...in one thing I wanted to present a poem creatively on the page, with diferant typefaces and creative spacing....what a nightmare that was.

I suppose a computer is still an improvement on the old fashioned typewriter. I think the first person I heard swearing was my dad, typing out his physics textbooks, as he realized he'd made a mistake and would have to go back and redo a section. His swearwords were in French, but since he was classically educated they weren't the ones you'd expect- the ones having to do with the Catholic mass. Funny, Quebecois swearwords are about religion, while English ones are mostly about sex and bodily functions. No doubt many people have done cultural studies theses on such matters....

2006-10-01T13:21:00.000-04:00

Took part in an attempt at a press conference today, about the cuts to adult literacy, but no media showed, in part because of the disaster in Laval. That event, along with some others, recent and not so recent, inspired me to write my first poem (or piece of creative writing, for that matter) in weeks- could be said to be morbid, but it's true, the end could come at any time. We just can't allow that thought to immobilize us, but rather try to enjoy life while we can. Not always easy, but it's always worth a try- and actually there are many shining moments to be enjoyed, even if they are snatched from the jaws of dark times.

2006-10-01T08:26:00.000-04:00

Hmmm...let's see, what did I do this past week?

Monday- Went to a long board meeting. Yes, I'm a director at a non-profit organization.Not as glamorous as it sounds, but we did get great vegetarian pizza and very colourful cupcakes (the icing was something to behold). There was a lot of trying to make senseof finances, a task that we were actually patting ourselves on the back for being able to follow, but we got sillier as the evening progressed. "What are in these cupcakes?", someone asked as we were giggling at nothing in particular. If there were any illicit substances, at least they helped us see the humour in budgeting- no mean feat.

Unfortunately, there's little fun and games in "Canada's New Government's exercise in budgeting today, where they make cuts in areas that they think few Canadians actually care about, like adult literacy programs. Since I work in the field of literacy this could be a problem, although at least my organization has a three year contribution agreement, so we're (probably) safe.

Tuesday- After the long board meeting on Monday, my accumulated tiredness was becoming burdensome. This was a rest evening. I got quite a lot of sleep actually.

Wednesday- Promptly squandered the sleep gains I'd made the night before. I Went to this event about the war in Lebanon, that ended up starting at 8:30 and goingpast 11. The event was rather one-sided, but then so was the war (in the other direction).Mind you, I probably would have had trouble sleeping anyway, as I'd been a bit rattled by a false alarm at work.

Thursday- What did I do on Thursday? Oh yes- had a meeting for doing a dinner theatre production this year. But there doesn't seem to be enough people who are interested, and I'm actually not going to be too sorry if it doesn't happen, as I've got other creative things in mind.

Friday- Depressing news at work about the effects of the government cutbacks on our sector. The Tories seem to think that low-literacy adults are beyond redemption, so spending money on them is wasteful. Curse Canada's New Government!

Saturday- Went out to work in an organic vineyard (said to be the only one in Quebec!). It was actually a beautiful day this time. I think it would be good to find a way to do this sort of work on a more regular basis, at least during the farming season next year. Tasted some wines and got a small bottle of wine for my labour.

2006-09-27T14:55:00.000-04:00

Not funny

It seems that somebody thought that it would be a scream to trigger a false alarm at Dawson, two weeks to the day/minute after the recent shootings. So as I was returning from lunch at twenty to one, walking along de Maisonneuve, I was treated to the sight of a whole series of police cars racing with sirens blaring to Dawson College, and police officers hurriedly making their way to the scene wearing bulletproof vests and wielding firearms. Luckily it turned out to be only a false alarm, but it just goes to show that there are some sick people in our midst.

2006-09-26T07:37:00.000-04:00

Looking at the blog of One Female Canuck (http://www.onefemalecanuck.com/), I found an article on the Pope's recent declaration on Islam by Uri Averny. I was going to write on this myself, and may yet do so, but for now this seems pretty good.
http://usa.mediamonitors.net/content/view/full/35750

Which reminds me- I note that we are now in the High Holidays of Judaism and at the beginning of Ramadan, and hope that those observing those holidays will get the sustenance they need from them.

2006-09-25T14:18:00.000-04:00

I’m Back

I feel much better today. Last week was difficult. Wednesday I got worse. One of my co-workers told me today that late last week I had a worry line on my forehead just above the bridge of my nose, in the shape of a frown.

I felt like my own shadow, even over most of the weekend. It felt like my voice was a hollow whisper. But yesterday was a good day. I was at a multicultural festival in Cabot Square where I saw a number of friends, as well as someone I hadn’t seen in ages. Then, yesterday evening I went to a show. Again I saw a number of friends, some of whom I hadn’t seen in a while. As I was going home, I realized that the spark in me that makes me come alive was back.

The stress sure hasn’t gone away, but at least it’s not as overwhelming.

2006-09-24T16:56:00.000-04:00

Not So Rainy After All

This day turned out to be pretty sunny. What a pleasant surprise!